Graduations are strange things. I watched my brother graduate a couple of days ago and although I would never admit it to him I did well up a little when I saw him in his gown and mortar board as well as when he went up to shake hands with the vice chancellor of the university. He is now a graduate and officially moved out according to my mum even though he is had been living away for four years.
It was a strange event, I never realised the ceremony had to be so formal. People in charge of the ceremony had to say certain words in order to make it all legal. I have to admit everyone did look a little silly in their gowns and other necessary things they had to wear.
Everyone almost looked relieved when they walked off the stage as if the weight of the world had been lifted off them as if they were scared stiff they are going to fall flat in their face or something. Everyone looked so happy when they all threw their hats in the air as if to say we have done it. Sadly they didn't realise they all had to scramble to find a hat so they wouldn't be fined when they gave all the academic clothes back.
It makes me think about the journey I am about to embark on in September and in three years time I will be in the sane situation as my brother. I have no idea what awaits me and what the outcome of it will be. I may even find my future husband at uni. I am sure that it will be fun and rewarding and I am determined to do as well as I possibly can. So as my brother goes into the real world of work and responsibilities I get to have fun, be a proper student and move a six hour car journey away. I can't say I am not scared stiff, no matter how exciting out all sounds
Tuesday 22 July 2014
Saturday 19 July 2014
Summer 2013-where it all went wrong
So I think I have some explaining to do.
Last summer was the worst few weeks of my life so far and probably will always be. But the 15th August 2013 (A level results day) is the worst day of my life and is when my bubble burst. I was disappointed with my A level results which were amazing by most people's standards but I have always been the person who isn't happy with anything less than perfection. So when I got a U in a maths exam (my best subject) and didnt get into university, my whole life fell apart. My parents were questioning my decisions about resitting exams this summer because a B grade overall at Further Maths A level is still pretty good and I could get into most universities with it. I was meant to be the one who was always challenging for top of the class and that didn't happen last year and it was a shock to the system. What I haven't said yet is that I was struggling for months before hand with most of my A levels but I just hid it from everyone including myself. That was my biggest mistake.
It was safe to say my confidence hit rock bottom and still hasn't fully recovered. It seems such an insignificant thing to anyone else but me, so I understand why you probably think I am a little bit odd at this point I hope this first impression of me can change.
What made everything worse was all my friends at school did amazingly so I couldn't really talk to them and they were all off to university all over the UK in a couple of months time. The only person who I was left to talk to was my then boyfriend who was amazing but he couldn't rebuild my confidence. Only I could do this. I urge anyone who has gone through failure or disappointment to not shut yourself off from the rest of the world like I did, it just makes everything 100 times worse and to recover from it becomes just a bit more difficult.
So this last year I have been studying for resits and a completely new a level trying to prove to myself I have learnt from the mistakes I made before and I am as good as everyone said I was in school. It has been a year of self discovery and realising how strangely self motivated I am although the confidence is yet to return to even half of what it was before.
Last summer was the worst few weeks of my life so far and probably will always be. But the 15th August 2013 (A level results day) is the worst day of my life and is when my bubble burst. I was disappointed with my A level results which were amazing by most people's standards but I have always been the person who isn't happy with anything less than perfection. So when I got a U in a maths exam (my best subject) and didnt get into university, my whole life fell apart. My parents were questioning my decisions about resitting exams this summer because a B grade overall at Further Maths A level is still pretty good and I could get into most universities with it. I was meant to be the one who was always challenging for top of the class and that didn't happen last year and it was a shock to the system. What I haven't said yet is that I was struggling for months before hand with most of my A levels but I just hid it from everyone including myself. That was my biggest mistake.
It was safe to say my confidence hit rock bottom and still hasn't fully recovered. It seems such an insignificant thing to anyone else but me, so I understand why you probably think I am a little bit odd at this point I hope this first impression of me can change.
What made everything worse was all my friends at school did amazingly so I couldn't really talk to them and they were all off to university all over the UK in a couple of months time. The only person who I was left to talk to was my then boyfriend who was amazing but he couldn't rebuild my confidence. Only I could do this. I urge anyone who has gone through failure or disappointment to not shut yourself off from the rest of the world like I did, it just makes everything 100 times worse and to recover from it becomes just a bit more difficult.
So this last year I have been studying for resits and a completely new a level trying to prove to myself I have learnt from the mistakes I made before and I am as good as everyone said I was in school. It has been a year of self discovery and realising how strangely self motivated I am although the confidence is yet to return to even half of what it was before.
About me
I recently read 'the perks of being a wallflower' and I really connected with it and realised I am a very similar person to Charlie in the book. I have almost always been the forgotten one who was always left out of events because people simply didn't think of inviting me.
For the last two years it hasn't been the case though because I had the most amazing boyfriend who always listened and remembered me. The problem is I stupidly broke up with him in order to go to university as I couldn't take another year out in order for us to go to university together and long distance just wouldn't suit us. So I am back to being a wallflower again, observing and being forgotten, but now I have even less confidence than before because of many things that have happened over the past year or so, which will probably all be explained in time.
So this blog is to track my way through life and seeing if ever I become a person to be remembered. If anyone actually reads this I apologise for the bad grammar etc. I was never very good at English at school.
For the last two years it hasn't been the case though because I had the most amazing boyfriend who always listened and remembered me. The problem is I stupidly broke up with him in order to go to university as I couldn't take another year out in order for us to go to university together and long distance just wouldn't suit us. So I am back to being a wallflower again, observing and being forgotten, but now I have even less confidence than before because of many things that have happened over the past year or so, which will probably all be explained in time.
So this blog is to track my way through life and seeing if ever I become a person to be remembered. If anyone actually reads this I apologise for the bad grammar etc. I was never very good at English at school.
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